Dear Microwave,

Dear Microwave,

Hey Microwave - how have you been? I don't really see you as often as one would expect, so I thought my best chance of getting a hold of you and getting my message across was to send you a letter.

I'm writing today to tell you some blunt truths, so I hope you're ready for this. In none of this do I mean any disrespect, but this has been on my mind for a while, and I feel like I owe you an explanation or two. I just wanted to let you know why I have no need for you, and why - actually - I think my life has improved ever since you haven't been around.

It's been nearly two years now since Brookes moved out and took his fancy you with him, and I've only missed you about two times since then. I mean, the only things I ever used you for were frozen burritos and popcorn, and I really don't eat that much popcorn. As for frozen burritos - they are quite wonderful, but I have a feeling my stomach is appreciative of the fact that they aren't a regular part of my life, anymore. And the fact of the matter is that I can still purchase frozen burritos and prepare them by just steaming them, instead. You'd be amazed at how much better it actually turns out when you steam it. Because when I use you to heat up a frozen burrito, it always ends up all dry and crusty at the corners - really tough - rubbery a little further in, and almost-cold in the middle. The less cold I get it in the middle means the drier it gets on the edges. When I steam it, there's no dryness no matter how long it takes to get the middle to warm up. And it really just doesn't take that long (maybe ten minutes to your three or four).

And you NEVER really produce a satisfying product. Whenever I use you at school to heat up leftovers, it ends up taking quite a few minutes to get all of the food hot - and it's never consistent through all of the food. It's the same problem with the burritos - some of the food gets dry and/or rubbery, and some is not hot enough; I'm just as likely to burn my tongue on one bite and chomp a cold bit of food the next.

And how long does it really take to heat up leftovers in a pan? Fifteen minutes TOPS if you have something really big, but generally just five to ten (which, is just about as long as it takes for a microwave). And it tastes so much better from a pan - if it's anything with a sauce, it can even taste a little better than the day before because the sauce sort of self-marinates while waiting in the fridge.

And then there's the lost art of steaming. If you have a steamer of any worth (and mine isn't even that great), you can take any frozen food and bring it to moist, warm life in about ten minutes. There's no dryness problem, and with a steamer, it is nearly impossible to burn anything. It's kind of sad, really, that the vast majority of American society thinks that they need you for preparing foods from the frozen food section when, in fact, you are only giving them a more unsatisfying end-product - one which a simple steamer could improve upon. And for those of you who are unfamiliar with a steamer - it's basically a pot with a sieved top section where you can rest your food. You boil water in the bottom, and steam the food in the covered top section. If you're really smart, you can even make soup or broth on the bottom while steaming ingredients or even a complimenting food on the top.

So really, Microwave, it's not that I don't need you at all (although I don't). It's more that having you is WORSE for the rest of the world than not having you at all. You've taught the American people to think that it's okay to eat semi-burnt, weirdly-dry, rubbery, cold-in-the-middle foods. Even tv dinners, which are supposed to be designed for use with you, end up with burnt or overly dry parts every time. It's sad. How you have held on for so long is beyond me. I mean, we refer to using you as "nuking it," for Pete's sake! When was the last time that "nuking" something (ESPECIALLY food) was supposed to be a good thing!?

You've just got this divine mix of clever marketing on one end and extreme laziness on the other. And, at this point, you're so damn ubiquitous that very few people even have an opportunity to realize how worthless you actually are. Imagine if refrigerators didn't actually preserve or cool your food properly while a garbage bin inside a larger bin lined with wet sand actually did - and everybody continued to pay for the "privilege" of owning electric refrigerators. That's basically what's going on with you. But my analogy obviously falls short on a few levels because steaming is so much better than garbage cans lined with wet sand.*

And you know what? I bet there's a contingent of people out there - people who actually appreciate real food and know a little something about it - that still go ahead and buy you simply for making popcorn. Oh, they might not admit it outright, but that's the main reason. And I admit - you do pop some mean corn - but have you ever had Jiffy Pop? It's more fun and just as good. I mean - how cool is that inflating aluminum cover? If people think YOU'RE "space-age," how about that Jiffy Pop? Nothing like cheap, shiny metallic surfaces to say "I was designed around the same time that 'astronaut ice cream' was."

And the other day I ate myself some bag-popcorn bought at the chip section of Safeway, and it was pretty damn good; and every kernel was popped (not to mention the option of cheese-flavorings sprinkled on top).

But, in spite of all of this, Microwave, I do admire you. You've somehow taken over the American kitchen (I often see you even in the kitchens of vegetarian hippies) to the point where your presence is assumed. You no longer have to justify yourself, even though you kind of suck, and that's worthy of respect, if not exactly admirable. I think that the majority of the American people strive for just that (isn't that what we mean by "be yourself?").

Maybe that should be on our money instead of "E Pluribus Unum": "America, where you don't have to justify yourself, even though you suck." Wow - that has a great ring to it. I should probably patent that now before somebody makes a bumper sticker . . . Bumper stickers - now there's another letter I need to write.

But enough for now. Microwave, I am destined to see you around, and we shall chat then. Maybe we can discuss the self-help book I'm trying to write; I think you probably have some good tips for improving one's public image and sense of self-worth.

Until then,
CVT

* (by the way, if the cans were a thick metal, that would actually work for your refrigeration needs)