Dear Rain

Dear Rain,

Are you f-ing kidding me!? I mean, seriously - is this some kind of sick joke? I know that I more or less signed up for this when I made the decision to move to Portland, but this has gone on long enough. It's a game of endurance, and you have worn me down. I don't know if I can take it, anymore.

And yeah, yeah - I know that there are many positive things that come with you. The beautiful greenness of the landscape through the summer months, all the farms, no drought (and thus no water rationing), bla bla bla. I appreciate those things, I really do. But I think we could still have most of those things WITHOUT having to see you every day this week (in the middle of April). Right, right "April Showers."

Well - April Showers can BLEEP my BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!!!!

Three years ago, I came to this town, and everybody kept asking me about the weather (and you, specifically). Want to know my response? "The weather here is overrated - yeah, it rains a lot, but it's not like it's freezing and snowing like so many other places in this country. It's really just not that bad." And I honestly believed that. Considering the beauty of the summers and the relatively moderate TEMPERATURES in the winter, it didn't seem like such a big deal. But I didn't take into account that horrible demon known as the snowball effect.

You see - one winter here in Portland is no big deal. It's easy to keep perspective and compare it to stormy Michigan winters (or East Coast winters, or wherever) and to feel blessed that you don't need to purchase a ton of Gore-tex or moon boots. And the summers are so damn glorious it seems to make up for any of the negatives of the winter. I mean, summers here may be more perfect than anywhere else on Earth.

But then the summer ends and winter TWO begins. And you notice how short the summer seemed in comparison to the winter. You try to look back and think about it - did we even have a Fall? Or a Spring? Is it just winter and summer here? And you know for sure the beautiful summer months couldn't have lasted more than three months at the max, so does that mean winter is going to last for 8-9 months? And as you wake up in darkness to trudge to work each day, you think about how far away the end is. And how crappy it is that even when you get out of work early it's dark again. Not that it isn't dark all day, anyway - what with all that gloominess. But you can still remember that summer, and you know it's coming . . . And it does, and it is absolutely glorious once again, and you feel SO GOOD.

But then winter THREE rolls around, and it seems like it kicked in before summer even got a chance to slip into your bones. Were you really wearing shorts around town? Didn't I used to be tan? I kind of considered myself a person of color - but where is the color? This time around, your body is ready for the winter even if your mind is not, and it starts to put you into hibernation mode. It knows that you're in for another long haul without the energizing effects of the sun, and so your metabolism slows, and so does your mind. Social engagements get put off. You spend more time in bed (although it never seems like enough), and you forget about summer for the time being because you know it's only going to make you feel worse. And when you are reaching your last gasp and think it's time to explode, you come to April and suddenly - A FULL WEEK of sun. SWEET, SWEET SUN.

The whole town wakes up and everybody is smiling and just plain happy. You can't help but feel giddy and giggle while you contemplate leaving your jacket at home. Maybe you'll even take off your socks. You have more energy - you want to catch up with people and go out (because it's staying light until almost 8pm now), and you congratulate yourself for having survived another winter.

And then it STOPS. And you, Rain, roll back into place for another full week. And it's enough to break a man. Another situation when the tease of seeing what it COULD BE LIKE causes absolute hopelessness and despair to seep in. Do you see what you do to people, Rain? In some areas on this planet, people pray for you. But here - I would love to prey ON you. Because YOU weigh on my soul.

I find myself slipping back into hibernation mode. The energy falls away as quickly as it came. I crave chocolate and mindless time watching tv or a movie.

And I dedicate a letter just to bitch about it. My one fully negative letter out of this entire series (which is pretty amazing for me). And it's all your fault. I demand satisfaction, Rain.

And I know your response - we'll see how I feel when I end up in a situation where you're not around anymore. Nothing like omnipresence to foster contempt and absence to create fond nostalgia. It's true, of course. But right now, I'm a man on the edge, my friend, and I need this madness to stop. I've been patient, and kind, and understanding. But I've hibernated enough, I've burned through all my reserves, and now I'm hungry for some light. Please, why don't you just go on a vacation for a while, and I promise I'll be nothing but appreciative when you get back. Please?

Go Away,
CVT