Dear Reality

Dear Reality,

The King commented today, saying that I love everything. Which, of course, is a totally ridiculous thing to say if you know me at all, but I am flattered to think that I have been creating such a positive, love-filled blog. Perhaps that joy could spread throughout the rest of the world and make it happier.

That makes me think of the other day when Gate and I bought a gigantic teddy bear (it was very nearly as big as me) as a baby shower gift, and I was carrying it down the street to get it to my car. Gate wasn't sure that it was appropriate for a newborn, but just as we got in line to buy it, two little children ran up and began petting it and hugging it. Then as we walked the five or six blocks to my car, every single person we passed stared at the gigantic bear and smiled. Every group of people commented on it. And every child we saw lit up and was drawn to the bear like iron filings to an electromagnet. It honestly spread tangible joy everywhere it went.

It made me seriously consider just keeping it and finding a different gift for the baby.

What if it was always so easy?

Because, you see, Reality, I don't love YOU. I don't really hate you or anything, but I certainly don't love you. Sometimes, I even dislike you a little bit. You're generally not very fun, and you often hurt people when you decide to set in. You're also not very fair, and I've noticed a definite tendency to pick on the less fortunate. That's f-ed up.

Now, you've been fairly good to me over the course of my short life, so it may seem pretty unfair and whiny to be criticizing you like this; and that may be even true. But I don't care. Too few people seem to ever stand up to you, so I figured I would use the power of my readerless blog to condemn you.

And I'd say that you have ruined my day often enough to warrant some distaste. Remember the first time (and only time, really) that I tried to get a girl's number? Yeah - that was pretty bad for the self-esteem. My boyhood dreams of growing a mustache as cool as my uncle? Yeah - you took care of that one, too, with the nasty dirt that is the extent of my facial-hair growing abilities. I really would have grown a civil war mustache, too (sideburns-to-stache with no chin hair).

And there are some bigger things that I don't particularly feel like going into right now. Needless to say, even a mustache wouldn't have balanced those out.

And then what about what you do to the way the world works? All this injustice and shit. Why do you love assholes so much? It just doesn't make any sense.

But it's not so simple as that, is it? When I think about it - nobody treats you very well, either. It's that whole vicious cycle thing, isn't it? Even the people to whom you've given practically every advantage in the book bitch about you whenever some little thing goes wrong.

Rich white men driving BMWs curse you when there's traffic. The president complains about you when "the people" are complaining about him (even though the rules they play by put him in office). And then he uses you as an excuse when he doesn't listen to them. Parents welcome their children to "your" world when they teach them about the unfairness of life. Hell - they use your name as the definition of that unfairness (i.e. "harsh realities").

It's not like God, who gets some thank-yous when things go right. Nope. We learn to detest you from adolescence and that doesn't end until we're dead (and even then we curse you when we learn that you're the reason we get no afterlife).

And even I, who you have treated quite well, bitch about you on my blog.

Wow - I've never really looked at it this way before. You DO get the short end of the stick. If I was in your shoes, I'd probably be much meaner than you already are. In fact, you're pretty damn nice, considering. You have almost no incentive to make the good things happen, yet you do it, nonetheless. I mean, by definition, you're all the good things, too. And there are a lot of good things. Hmmm . . . who decided that you should be associated with only the negative?

That's not fair. I'm going to do something about this. Something BIG that will really change the way people think about you. Hey - I know! I'll write about it on my blog, and that way the word will spread like wildfire!

I'm sorry for the things I've said, Reality. I've been too selfish and self-absorbed to see all those great things you're responsible for, and I will do what I can to make up for it. I hope you can forgive me . . .

Sincerely,
CVT

P.S. I would still really love some decent facial hair.