Dear Doing Nothing

Dear Doing Nothing,

I had all sorts of plans for myself for today. I was going to go downtown, walk around a bit, get some fresh air and just get the hell out of my house. I was going to run some errands and maybe try to catch a movie. But you know what? Instead, I ended up you today. And I'm pretty happy about it.

The thing is that doing SOMETHING is often overrated. In this American culture of ours, there's this tendency to look down on you as if it's an indication of laziness or worthlessness. For the younger folks out there, it also is associated with "uncoolness." If a young person ends up you on a weekend night (especially), it's supposed to be a sign of having the dreaded No Life, which is unacceptable to our generation. But you know what? I have absolutely no problem with it.

Because the thing is this: even if I didn't have a destroyed knee (which is a great excuse to end up you on a given Saturday), I would very likely happily be you today, anyway. I had myself a LONG, rough week. I haven't been sleeping well. So it feels pretty damn good to get to just kick up my feet and spend a large portion of the day in bed reading. I earned it.

And I know, Doing Nothing, this is starting to sound like I'm defending myself as if I don't truly believe that you are great. And, sometimes, I'm not entirely sure. There's definitely something in the back of my mind on weekends that whispers to me, 'aren't you going to do something special this weekend?' Something that tugs at me and congratulates me on a busy weekend full of things to be done. It's true. And I do feel a bit worthless for not having made it out of the house today.

But I ENJOY you. I really do. Days like this make me think back to my childhood when I used to spend hours upon hours in my bed reading during my free time. Sometimes, during the summer, I'd really change it up by climbing up into a tree with a bag of snacks and reading up there, instead. And it felt glorious. I never felt a single twinge of guilt that I used so many days in that way.

And then I started becoming socially conscious, and it ruined everything. Suddenly, I knew that I was supposed to "use" my days wisely. I was supposed to have "things to do." It wasn't cool to read all the time. Not good to be a complete recluse. And so I started to DO things with other people my age more and more often. This horrible trend continued through my first year of living here in Portland.

But once I began teaching, things changed. I stopped having the energy and desire to socialize. I found myself drawn back more and more often into a nice, quiet night in bed with a book. I learned to treasure my "nothing time," feeling a little let-down when I blew a full weekend by being busy and not taking the time to find myself you. And that's where I find myself most of the time these days.

Because the thing is that I'm naturally inclined to be more hermit-like than anything else. Sure, I enjoy myself in social situations on occasion, but I sure as hell don't enjoy doing any of the things that "cool" folk my age tend to do. I'm more like a 50 year-old man in my social habits and tendencies than anything close to my own age - and that's just fine with me. If only I was as close to retirement as a 50 year-old . . .

So, anyway, that's why I've suddenly come back into your life so strongly, Doing Nothing. Maybe it's not a healthy thing for us to see so much of each other, but these days, I wouldn't want it any other way.

Keep doing what you're not doing,
CVT

P.S. My posts have been pretty dreadful lately. I apologize. Probably something to do with the fact that keeping a blog going would fall under the category of "Something."