Dear Television

Dear Television,

You've come a long way, baby. A LONG way. I don't know what it must feel like for you to have changed so much over the years, but I can tell you that - even from my side - it's pretty amazing.

You see, we (my roommates and I) finally bought a new you today. In fact, it was the first new you purchase I've ever been a part of, and it was kind of amazing. For the last three years, we have been watching you on a piece-of-crap Zenith you that I got off Craigslist for $30. It was terrible then, and it hasn't gotten any better. Not a single live sporting event went by without one of us asking at some point, "What's the score? Is that SIXTY-eight or EIGHTY-eight?" Every zero looked like a six looked like an eight looked like a nine. And that's if the scores were even completely on the screen (because a big chunk of the picture bled out the bottom).

And the color was terrible, too. Everything had a hazy red cast to it, like we were denizens of the future, watching our sporting events on Mars. It was difficult to tell for sure if a given player was black or white. When we watched hockey or soccer, we just had to take it on faith that the cameraman knew where the puck or ball was and follow the player. The finer aspects of televised viewing were lost on us, to say the least.

So, after so many years talking about how bad it was and "planning" on buying a new you, we finally just up and did it. And can I say - it was unbelievable. Just watching the end of some playoff hockey (I don't want to talk about the final result), we were able to SEE THE PUCK!!! I didn't have to wait for the announcer to let me know if it was a goal or not. The ice was WHITE (as opposed to the reddish-brown I had become used to). It's really quite an amazing experience.

And all this made me think about how far you've come in the last 50 years or so. From looking at all the gigantic, flat-screen, widescreen, HD yous at the store, it was hard to believe that people used to watch grainy black-and-white yous as the wave of the future rolled in. I found myself wondering - what are the yous of the future going to be like when I am complaining about the one I just got as a "piece of crap?"

My roommate Matt probably had the right of it when his prediction was a piece of rollable film or plastic that just sticks to the wall. In fact, they already have computer-screens that work in pretty much that way. Wall-screens from all those cheesy sci-fi movies will very likely be a reality at some point - and maybe not that long from now. That is f-ing crazy. If I ever have kids, they're just going to find it hilarious that my yous all looked like a box - "why would you put your screen on a box?"

And, of course, everybody will have their own private you in the guise of a phone or music player (or both). How does that feel? Does that excite you, or do you miss the good old days when it was a luxury for a household to have just one of you? I suppose that's still the case in many Third-World countries - is that a good thing to you? I wonder. In America, it's always perceived best to get slimmer while improving your overall quality - so you're living the dream, I suppose. But so many of you are made in Japan, China, and elsewhere. Does that change your dream?

Does being the focal point of most Americans' leisure time make you feel good or really sad? Your promotion of laziness and the avoidance of going outdoors can't be something you're 100% proud of, can it? I don't know. It's really hard to guess what it would be like without being in those shoes, so I won't even pretend I know what it's like to be you, Television.

Which is why I'm writing this letter. On this day, as others commemorate Cinco de Mayo, I am commemorating the relentless advance of you technolody, and I can only hope that you can answer some of my questions. The world needs to know how YOU feel about it all, because I think so few people care to even ask you. And most of those people who do are probably locked up.

So, tell me, Television - how do you FEEL?

Mindless Zombie,
CVT