Dear Flying

Dear Flying,

In a few hours, I'll be you back to California in a lovely little airplane. I'll be dehydrated, and cramped, and alternately too hot or too cold. I'll probably be sitting next to somebody too large for their seat or else a kid too small to be you (and thus crying). I'll probably have to pee about half an hour into the flight but not want to get out of my window seat and climb over the two people between me and the aisle, so I'll try to hold it. An hour into the flight, I'll realize it's a hopeless fight and decide I should just go, but not be able to because the drink cart will be between me and the bathroom. When the cart is finally out of the way, we will probably have begun our landing process, and I'll have to wait until we land.

I'm not going to check any bags, so it's going to drive me crazy when I see thirty people go ahead of me with gigantic rolling luggage, and then I'm told that I need to check my garment bag because they used up all the overhead storage space. I will refuse, and then somebody else will be equally angry that they let me get away with that.

So what's my point, you may ask? Well, I just don't like you very much, Flying. If I could, I would travel for twice the amount of time to get home by train to avoid having to take a plane. It appalls me how the you experience gets worse and worse every time I fly (not that it was ever that great of an experience). They don't even give us food, anymore. And for those out there that know me, I have never met a meal that didn't fill me with joy for the duration of the act of eating, so that was a very big deal to me. Now all I get is my strange cracker-like snacks (honestly - where do they come up with the strange salty snacks they give you with the drinks on a plane?) and a small glass of juice (more ice than liquid, of course). ARGH.

There are so many things that make you so unbearable. First, there's the airport. For whatever reason, people at the airport are never in a good mood. People are stressed out, or sad, or just cranky, and it doesn't make for the best experience. I have always been amazed at how the cheaper the mode of transportation (planes, trains, to buses), the more friendly and patient the passengers are. So strange that bus riders are more cheery than those on the plane, but it's true. Not to say that there aren't friendly flyers, but they seldom reveal that part of themselves before boarding.

Then there's the boarding process. There's something so frustrating about trying to wedge your way down that tiny aisle, knocking people in the face with your carry-on luggage (because the average human being is actually wider than the aisle) to find your seat. And then, of course, there's the battle to find overhead space to stow baggage. Why I always get told that my extra carry-on is too much while other people roll small tanks onto the plane is beyond me.

And then I get in my seat and wait. And wait. There's more waiting on the plane than there is actual you, I think. At least on a short flight (less than two hours). And when you get on the plane, it's always just a little too warm. The air has a thickness to it that reminds me of old people, and I never fail to need to turn on my tiny little air nozzle to get more comfortable. And once I'm comfortable and dozing a bit, that obnoxious attention-signal dinging goes off and they start going over the safety protocol and tell me to turn off my music.

Then there's the actual act of you. The dull throbbing roar of the engines that slowly compacts my head. The constant air-pressure changes. The collective breathing of unhappy, uncomfortable people. Whining kids. Crying babies. Some punk kid kicking the back of my seat. People complaining. The air conditioning kicking in and freezing everybody on board. And no comfortable way to rest my head to nap without pulling a neck muscle because my head keeps flopping all over the place. And then I wake up, completely dehydrated and out of it for the next 12 hours, dreading the return trip.

I think that about sums it up. If I missed anything, I apologize.

This is the thing, Flying - it doesn't have to be this way. Riding the train is so very nice. Why can't you be? It's something I'll never quite understand. You could be something to look forward to. A nice way to relax and see the world from a different angle. But you just aren't, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

But I suppose I should be more positive going into it. Maybe the more I expect it to be a terrible experience, the more likely it is. I should keep an open mind. Maybe this time won't be so bad.

But I doubt it.

Packing,
CVT

P.S. I didn't even talk about airport security. That's just too easy and played-out. Maybe the people that come up with airport security guidelines are the same ones that come up with teacher professional development trainings.