Dear Sugar

Dear Sugar,

I have some sort of interaction with you pretty much every day, and yet I have not written you a letter yet. Sorry about that. Since you're an ingredient that comes in so many different forms and appears in so many different types of foods and drinks, it just always seemed more appropriate to refer to the actualy food itself, instead of really talking about you. However, today that will change.

You're on my mind today because of the donuts. And the result from eating those donuts.

After school today, my fellow staffees got together to construct our school yearbook. As we got together, we were offered a pick from a pink box full of Voodoo Donuts. Now, if you don't know about Voodoo Donuts (which most non-Portlanders won't), it's a donut shop that specializes in off-the-wall, specialty donuts. Their most well-known donut is in the shape of a penis with two balls. They are also known for donuts with crushed Oreo bits on them, or Cap'n Crunch or other you cereals. You get the picture.

Anyway, because the donuts were there, I ended up eating a couple of them. Now, I used to eat donuts quite a lot (specifically, JELLY donuts), but I don't really do that, anymore. The reason? You, Sugar. Because I have the tendency to get a you-rush for a little bit, and then a hard you-CRASH soon after that.

And today was no different. One moment I was exulting in the fact that I had actually gotten enough sleep last night, and that I felt rested for the first time in weeks - the next moment I was feeling drowsy and in desperate need of a nap. And I blame YOU for that, Sugar.

I just can't process you like I used to. The more and more I become a man of moderation, the more various unnaturally refined substances affect me. It's not just you. There's also caffeine and alcohol. These days, I really have to carefully consider even small doses of the aforementioned ingredients because of the resulting crash I get from them. Most of the time, it's not worth it. My body and mind are just too PURE, these days.

And so - even though I got close to TEN hours of sleep last night - I still had to take a nap the second I got home from work today. And worse yet, now that I'm up from said nap, I'm still quite groggy and not feeling my best. And that won't do, because I have me some social plans - and I don't have those all the time! So, Sugar, I would ask if you would kindly back off and leave my system alone for the rest of the evening. I would really appreciate that.

But don't get me wrong, Sugar, I actually enjoy you quite a lot. When those winters hit me hard, there's nothing I crave more than some sort of sweet snack crammed with refined you.

And that's another thing - refined you isn't everything. There are so many ways that I can enjoy a version of you without suffering the ultimate price. For instance, there's the you in fresh fruits. I mean, there's nothing but GOOD in that kind of you. In fact, whenever I get up from a nap such as the one I just took, I like to immediately eat an apple or other you-y fruit to wake me up and give me the little energy-boost that gets me ready to interact with other human beings - and there's no crash from that.

There's also the you that's used in Asian cooking. Although it's generally refined you, it's used in small enough amounts that it only contributes towards excellent taste without bringing me down.

And carbohydrates are a form of you which I could never do without. There are still fools out there "watching their carbs," of course, but I think they're idiots. The carb forms of you are just too terrific. I love bread. I love pasta. Where would my famous PB and J be without carbohydrates? It would be Jelly and Peanut Butter, spread on my freaking HAND. And what kid in their right mind would EVER cherish that?

Ugh. I just had a vision that no teacher should EVER have to have . . . Thank GOD for you, Sugar.

There would be no noodles without carbohydrates. The majority of the foods I eat - and love so very very much - consist of a large portion of carbohydrates. And, of course, without complex carbohydrates, there would be no salty snacks - no Cornnuts or Goldfish or Snyder's of Hanover Hard Pretzels. What the Hell would I do with my life then?

Cry a lot, probably. Eat little chunks of meat while watching sporting events. Slurp worms from a cup of hot broth. Not pretty.

So, you see, Sugar - there are so many ways for me to appreciate you (and so many uncountable others that I haven't yet mentioned). And I most certainly do. It's just that the temptation of donuts was too much, and it felled me this afternoon. That's the only aspect of you that I DON'T like, and it's not even the biggest deal. I'm already becoming more alert. The fog is lifting.

You know what? Even refined you is a good thing, and I appreciate it. So thank you, Sugar, for all the ways that you fill the pyschological hole inside - don't you ever stop doing what you do.

And in your honor, it's time for me to go eat some noodles cooked in Gatorade.

Sweetly salivating,
CVT