Dear Urination

Dear Urination,

In, perhaps, my most controversial letter ever, I am writing to you, Urination (I won't degrade you further by referring to you by your childhood nickname of "Peeing;" it just sounds so childish). I feel that there comes a time when a blog based on letters to inanimate objects and concepts needs to gain some edge. When the tough questions have to be asked. When a man just needs to "get real." Today is that day for the CVT.

And so, I write this letter. Shortly after some you of my own. My Reader gasps as I write this. "He's serious. He's fallen to his lowest levels yet. SO immature." Well, Readership, if you cannot handle me "getting real" like I am right now, there's always a million lighter-fare blogs out there that never speak of the harsh realities of our world. The less-pretty aspects of our physical selves. There will always be writings about rainbows. But there will never be more than One of my blog. And don't forget it. So just push past your fear and discomfort and keep reading - and learn something.

Back to the topic at hand. I apologize for ignoring you for so long, Urination. That's not generally a pleasant thing for me to do, and this time has been no different. So why did I choose to write about you? Well, first of all, I thought of it while in the act of you, of course. I found myself really appreciating the relief you brought me, and it made me think, "Well - why don't I acknowledge this taboo pleasure of everyday life?" And so I am. You bring me relief. Every time. Relief. How many other actions can claim the same? Let alone people or things. Probably none. Few, at most. But you bring me relief EVERY SINGLE TIME.

And that is not something that should be ignored or pushed aside. In a time and world where so many things bring stress and worry and fear, why is it so seldom that we celebrate something that consistently does the opposite? It's sad, really. That feeling that comes - especially when I have been holding it for a while - when I finally reach the appropriate location to relieve the pressure in my bladder is beyond description. Yet everybody knows it, so there is no real need to attempt an inadequate description. If it was socially acceptable, I would absolutely sigh loudly - "AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!" - every time I engaged in you. I would. Because you is so delightful.

And, of course, there are times when you aren't the absolute best. Actually - scratch that. As this is a letter to you, Urination, what I just said would be a lie. You is always a pleasure. It is the lead-up to you that can sometimes be painful or horrible. Those times when I have to hold it (for whatever reason). Times when I find myself calculating in my head the chance of me being able to hold out long enough. How long I can bear it before there is no out other than to just let go. THAT is a horrible thing. On the flip side, however, the act of you AFTER all that is absolutely Heavenly. I would say few feelings rival that. So I apologize for even SUGGESTING that you could be unpleasant.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how true it is. Here I was about to complain about having to wake up in the middle of the night to pee (which does suck, by the way), but that has nothing to do with you. Because when I finally do get up because I can't hold it any longer, and I know I won't be able to just ignore it and go back to sleep, you feels great. Not only does you at that time bring me the relief I have mentioned multiple times already, but it also causes me to relax and regain my excitement over being able to get back into bed to sleep some more. It's like a second lease on life.

And so I find myself in awe of you, Urination. You are perfect. At an age where I am realizing that nothing can be truly perfect, I suddenly discover YOUR perfection. You - Urination - of all things. Is there anybody else on the planet that has come to this realization? The Japanese spend their lives searching for the perfect cherry blossom in the name of beauty - all for naught. And they know it. While the whole time they are doing that, they are regularly experiencing perfection without even honouring it. Crazy, really. CRAZY.

We leave in a crazy world, but it makes me feel so much better now that I have realized that I get to experience perfection every single day. Multiple times a day. It's such a revelation that it makes me want to just start drinking gallons of water throughout the day, so that I can experience perfection as much as possible.

Perfection. You. Urination.

It doesn't quite roll off the tongue, but it doesn't matter. Thank you, Urination, for broadening my horizons and making me see the world and its beauty for what it truly is. Thank you. I look forward to experiencing you again soon.

Going to Get a Glass of Gatorade,
CVT

*Yes - I am aware of what the doctors call "Painful You" (as depicted in the photo with this letter), but I have never experienced it myself, and I don't ever intend to contract a disease necessary to make it happen. Therefore, you shall remain perfect for me always. For those who have experienced non-perfect you in their lives - wear protection and don't sleep around.