Dear Toothbrushing

Dear Toothbrushing,

Before I get going on this one, I just want to say that I am writing this while listening to a most wonderful classical composition by me, and it is simply MIDI-tastic. Because I am MIDI-tastic.

But want to know something else that's MIDI-tastic? Eating. Eating is MIDI-tastic. Ha. I bet you thought I was going to say you, Toothbrushing. But no. Instead I said "eating." Because eating is actually MIDI-tastic, and you is not. But I didn't write this to surprise let you down or anything else of that sort, so let me get to the point.

I ate some sweets today, and it made my mouth feel a little bit filmy. I had no choice, really (what else can a guy do to survive more hours of "professional development"?). So I ate sweets. I ate a lot of different things - some of them MIDI-tastic - but it was the sweets that were important, because I just didn't like that filmy feeling I had in my mouth afterwards. And there was only one thing to do to try to remove that film: drink water.

Ha. I bet you thought I was going to say you, Toothbrushing. But no. Instead I said "drink water." Because drinking water is actually the only good way to get rid of that filmy feeling. Oh - alright. And you, too. You, Toothbrushing, is another good way to remove that filmy feeling from my mouth after eating sweets. Sometimes.

Because sometimes, water really is all it takes. A couple swigs of water to counteract the imminent sugar-crash that comes from me eating sweets, and it's almost like all I ate was savoury things. But there are times where water just isn't enough. Times where all I find myself thinking about are the little sugar particles coating the inside of my mouth and the outside of my teeth and all the trouble they are likely to cause for me. And those are the times when you is necessary. And only those times.

I know, I know. Dentists and parents and all sorts of other "adults" are always saying how important it is to brush one's teeth all the time. It helps prevent plaque build-up. It fights gingivitis. It kills bad-breath germs. It reduces the likelihood of having cavities. We've all heard it a million times in a million different ways. And we all take it for granted.

But haven't you ever wondered if any of it is true, Toothbrushing? People say all these things about how important and wonderful you is, but don't you ever wonder if any of it carries weight in the real world? Because this is the thing: how often do people challenge the claims of dentists, parents, etc.?

The immediate response (when thinking about children, specifically) is; "all the time." We can all think about all these kids running around refusing to brush their teeth and ultimately paying the price. But does that REALLY happen? No - don't just answer without thinking. Does that REALLY happen?

'Well, of course!' One might hastily exclaim, thinking about all those kids out there getting cavities filled. But there's a little problem with this example - with so many kids getting cavities, can we really assume that none of them are brushing their teeth regularly? We DO assume that, but we all know what they say about asses and me (and you). Really - with all those adults and dentists yelling at their children and overseeing them and MAKING them engage in you, can we REALLY say that they aren't doing it regularly? Then there's a flip side - what about all those adults that get cavities? Are none of them brushing their teeth?

The issue is, of course, that nobody really tests the claims. How many adults out there don't brush their teeth regularly? How many kids past the age of 12? Not a lot. Because, even by then, they all assume that the claims about you are true. Trust me on this one - my kids all lay out these very same claims when the issue of you is brought up.

And so I return to: how do we REALLY know that you prevent all these terrible things? We don't. We just go along with the "common knowledge," even though we all know how often that turns out to be false. Case in point - my Loyal Reader and Brother used to brush his teeth regularly (and likely still does). However, he had a bagazillion cavities. So much for you in that case.

And then there is me, the CVT. Guess what I didn't do a whole lot of as a child? That's right - you. I distinctly remember going an ENTIRE MONTH without you at all. And how many cavities have I had? Zero. Nada. Zilch. Not ONE f-ing cavity. Hmmm . . . The status quo goes challenged.

And so I propose that all the claims about you, Toothbrushing, are a ridiculous farce. The manufacturers of toothbrushes and toothpaste have brainwashed the minds of the world and become powerful beyond our imagining to the point where nobody ever even questions the merit of regular you.

Of course, that doesn't mean you don't have your benefits. Like today, when you helped me remove the filmy feeling from my mouth after eating sweets. Other times, you removes that fuzzy feeling from my teeth. You sure makes me FEEL clean in the mouth. You also improves breath, at times (albeit only temporarily for some).

So I don't really have a problem with you at all, Toothbrushing. I really admire you in some ways. I just don't need you. And I think it is important that you know that. I don't want you or me to be living a lie, whether or not the rest of the world is living it. My breath is naturally neutral. I don't get cavities. This doesn't mean that I won't engage in you on a - somewhat - regular basis, of course; but I won't need to do so. I'll just do it for the previously-mentioned reasons.

And Reader - remember this next time you sit in a dentist's chair: no matter what they say, more Toothbrushing or even flossing never could have kept you from paying that bill. Only good genes like mine could ever do that.

Minty Fresh,
CVT