Dear ITF Update

Dear ITF Update,

It's the moment so many have been waiting for (specifically, my Loyal Reader): time for my you, ITF Update. Time to let everyone out there know what's up with my genius creation that shall be sweeping the nation as a get-fit sensation: the Iso-Tensile Flexion System (ITF). Without further ado, then, my you:

It's been 24 days. 24 straight days of two-minute workouts - every day. I haven't missed a single workout so far, as part of my grand plan to do 30 days of ITF to see if there is any sort of merit whatsoever to my idea. So the big question that my Loyal Reader wants to have answered in this you is "is it working?" "Does ITF make me buff?" That question may not be as easy to answer as it may seem, but I will do my best.

The first thing I can say is that I have gained a little weight (maybe two or three pounds). Now, most people in today's world would misconstrue that as a true indication that ITF has failed me - for so many fools out there confuse "losing weight" with "getting in shape." Not so. For, as we all know, muscle weighs much more than fat does. Therefore, if somebody is losing their body fat while getting stronger - they will, in fact, GAIN weight, even if they are getting in much better shape. Or, perhaps, there may be no fat lost, but still muscle built, which would again result in a weight-gain. In this situation, I don't particularly believe that I have gotten any fatter (although I did just have a Spring Break vacation to Hawaii that had some fine dining at its center). That's something hard to gauge with a simple mirror-test, but I don't believe that I LOOK like I've gained any fat-weight, so my theory is that this particular weight-gain is representative of increased muscle mass (especially considering I have not had any significant weight-gain in YEARS, in spite of changes in diet, activity levels, etc.).

The rest is a lot harder to say with any sort of certainty. I cannot MEASURE my buff-ness by any scientific method. Since I see myself every day, it is hard for me to compare my present level of ripped-ness to my previous state of 24 days ago (besides, I had been pretty active at that point, so it wasn't like I was totally out of shape). All that said, my biceps - for sure - have gotten bigger and more defined. This makes sense, since they're not a muscle I would have been using with any regularity for anything (biceps are probably some of the most useless muscles to any sort of real athletic endeavour in the body) beforehand, so it makes sense that my random use of them in the course of ITF has gotten them going a little bit.

I would also say that I have some more definition in my shoulder muscles and back, but I also got quite a bit darker from my stint in Hawaii, which can convey a sense of buff-ness that wouldn't be as noticeable when pale and pasty. So that's hard to say, as well.

My gut, however, tells me there have been changes. I didn't do a "Before" and "After" photo simply because I would have felt like way too much of a jack-ass taking said pictures and having them around anywhere that another human being could get at them, so we'll have to leave the true scientific determinance of change to a study of SOMEBODY ELSE. But I do think it has made a difference.

For one, I have improved in my ability to DO ITF. It's not an easy thing to do, and it has become relatively easier since I started. Of course, as it gets "easier" for me, I am able to flex harder and longer, so it doesn't FEEL much better - I just can do it more "properly" the longer I do it, which is a good sign. It's also a good sign for ITF as a fad exercise - since it continues to be challenging, even after much "practice."

And that's pretty much all the you I have for right now, ITF Update. 24 days isn't THAT long, and I have all those aforementioned difficulties in pure judgement of my progress, so there isn't much more to say. It is unfortunate that I won't see any of my immediate family members in the near future, because they saw me last right at the start of my ITF training, and could thus say with more certainty whether or not I have had any noticeable physical changes. Oh, well. I'll just keep it up and keep checking in, and maybe I'll be able to come up with a more definite conclusion (and evidence) at the end of the 30 days.

Until then, that's my you, ITF Update, and I hope my Loyal Reader enjoyed it.

Wondering What a "Before" Photo Would Have Looked Like,
CVT

*Side-note: in the process of writing this letter, I learned that the acronym "ITF" has already been taken by the International Taekwon-do Federation. Luckily, THEY don't seem to be sweeping the nation as a passing (yet profitable) fad, so I'm not too worried about that getting in my way. Besides, if I stole their acronym without their permission and they got upset about it, what could any of them POSSIBLY do to hurt me?

Dear Taxes

Dear Taxes,

I did my you today, Taxes, and I have to say I ended up VERY disappointed.

Usually, when I do my you each year, I end up with either a very small refund, or a very small amount owed. Either way, not too life-altering. This time? This time my you f-ed me up GOOD. I don't know what was different this year compared to other years. I made just about the same amount this year as I did in the last. Yet I ended up (between my State and Federal you) owing SEVERAL hundred dollars.

SEVERAL hundred.

What the f- is that?!!! How can I suddenly have launched my money owed into such new heights? It's not like I suddenly make proportionally more money. I barely made ANY more money (especially if we're accounting for inflation). And yet I owed SEVERAL hundred dollars in you. It's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

And really, Taxes, what is up with having to file a separate return that ends up different every time? Is it really THAT hard to just take the right amount out of everybody's paycheck and just leave it at that? I would understand if people who had some sort of extra income coming in had to file a special tax return. I would get that. But why the Hell do people who have only brought in the paychecks that the IRS ALREADY KNOWS ABOUT have to do a return to find out that the IRS got it wrong? I really don't understand. If I should owe 15% in you, why can't the IRS just take 15% of my paycheck up front and leave it at that? Why this ridiculous, suspenseful drama to fill out all sorts of forms? Are we just trying to create jobs? It doesn't make sense, Taxes. It just doesn't make sense.

It just doesn't make sense.

That's all I really have to say about that - it just seemed necessary to say something right away, Taxes. I didn't want to hold it in and then get all upsot later. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. And so I'm just telling you right now - you suck, and I'm not happy about it.

It doesn't help that I'm all worthlessly bummy about not being in Hawaii. Not at all.

Not Hungry Because I Did NOTHING Worthwhile Today,
CVT

Dear I Chose to Live Here

Dear I Chose to Live Here,

In this, my 200th letter, I have to remind myself that you, I Chose to Live Here. And when I say that, I mean that you in Portland. Nobody put a gun to my head. Nobody said that I had to for their sake or for any other reason. No - I you, and after I did that, I stayed for many years. And I'm still here. Because you.

So why do I feel the need to remind myself that you? Well, because I got back from Hawaii today. Last night, I was wearing shorts and flip flops, watching Hawaiian families spend time with their kids on the beach. Today, I had to put on long pants, shoes, and multiple layers of clothing to go find some breakfast in the cold rain. And on days like this when I want to lament the ridiculous "unfairness" of it all, I have to remind myself that you.

And that's important. Because I often (sort of) forget that when I get into my complain-about-Portland state of mind (which, I admit, happens a little too often). There is no reason outside of my own personal choice that keeps me here (as opposed to somewhere more Heavenly, like Hawaii), and that is an important thing to keep in mind.

But another reason it is good to think of the fact that you is to ask myself the simple question: why? Why did you in Portland? On days like today, it's hard to come up with another response other than "I'm crazy." Because it turns out there are places out there where it's sunny all the time, the weather is seldom above 80 degrees (or below 70) and there is amazing food of all types to eat. Places where I can actually blend in with a crowd and people actually assume that I'm from THERE, as opposed to needing to ask me where I'm from (because they assume that I must be from somewhere ELSE). Places where there's ocean and beach, rainforest mountains, and a big city all within a 15-minute drive from one another. These places exist (or maybe I should say this PLACE (singular) exists) right here in the United States of America.

And yet you, I Chose to Live Here, instead. Sounds kind of f-ing nuts to me. So I find myself trying to analyze the reasons WHY you. Why I continue to stay in spite of this knowledge. Because this is important. And so I shall attempt to turn it positive:

Reason #1: I really love my job. I do. I have fun and feel challenged and get to be creative and share my interests and play every single day at work. Very few people can say that about their jobs, and that's a big deal. I like the people I work with. And it's a very specific combination of things that make all that true (i.e. I couldn't just go teach at any other school in the States and have the same results).

Reason #2: I really love my job. I know I already said that, but that's pretty much the big reason I stay here, so I thought it needed repeating.

Reason #3: In spite of my claims to the contrary, I actually have a couple friends here. Good ones. And since it took me like four years to come up with my three solid friends, I don't exactly want to run off and start it all over again.

Reason #4: Summers here are really quite lovely. And because of the crappy winters (and falls and springs), I can really appreciate that when it happens.

Reason #5: It's a good size. It's sort of city-like without being overwhelming, and I can bike places (if I wanted to, that is) without fearing for my life every second.

Reason #6: Since I'm going to find something to complain about no matter where I end up - why not be somewhere where the complaints are consistent and predictable (thus allowing me to adequately prepare for them; think SAD Lamp)?

Reason #7: I'm never thirsty here.

I think that's about it. The reasons why you, I Chose to Live Here. Pretty short list, really (especially considering Reasons #1-3 are the only ones that really carry much weight). But that happens. The grass is always greener, right? So since those big reasons are such capital "b" Big ones, that's okay. Probably not enough to stay here indefinitely, but enough to not feel like a total ass for continuing to stay here in the short term. There's always time to hate my job in Hawaii in the future.

And so there you have it, I Chose to Live Here. The reasons you and continue to stay. And it's important to think about. It's important to know why you. And so I appreciate you, I Chose to Live Here. I appreciate the fact that you, and that I am the only one responsible for the fact that I continue to do so. It's important to question things - and just as important to answer those questions, and so I am feeling okay(ish) about the fact that you. And I thank you for that.

Thought I Saw Some Sun for a Minute/Already Getting Paler,
CVT

Dear Halfway

Dear Halfway,

I am you there right now. You through my little trip to Oahu. You, Halfway. You.

And I have to say - I'm already kind of dreading the end. These days have been going relatively quick, and I know it's going to be all over soon enough. And I don't like that. Not at all.

Because I am having the absolute most-wonderful time ever here. I really am. And I'm sure it won't surprise anybody to hear that it has been wonderful on a culinary level (among other things). VERY wonderful. I'm not going to go into it in too much detail, but let's just say that I really think that sushi has been ruined for the rest of my life (because it will NEVER compare to what I ate last night). I will devote a separate letter to that specific meal (I wrote it down, piece by piece - with notes), but that is not for now.

Now is my time to acknowledge the you point, Halfway. This teetering, tottering edge between starting off my trip and finishing it off. It's a precarious place to be. It's that point where I am starting to get comfortable. I have my bearings. I know where things are. I know what my options are. I've done a bunch of cool things. I've darkened to a point of being mistaken for a local at times (my hapa-ness obviously helps in that regard).

But it's also the point where I know too much. There are so many things I would like to do and check out, and I am realizing - at this you point - that it's just not all going to happen. Hell - there are at least 100 other great restaurants for me to check out. Not to mention all the other cool wanderings I could do. But I am already you through the trip, and I'm just not going to be able to do it all.

So at this you point, I find myself thinking about the return. About being back in rainy, cloudy, cold Portland. About putting my shorts and flip flops back in the closet for another month or two. Watching my non-paleness fade away like the fond memories of this trip. That's all there, too.

And yet - it's all good. I'm not the type of person to sit and mope all day (not anymore, at least - thanks, Light Therapy Lamp). Nope. Instead, I am going to go out and do the majority of the things I want to be doing. I'm going to go wander Chinatown and eat some dim sum. I'll go to the Hawaiian Art Museum. I'll go to the east part of the island (and maybe do another lap of the whole island). I'll go hike up Manoa Falls. I'll go to the symphony. I'll check out the historical/cultural museum (and a Planetarium show while I'm there). I'll go to the Art-Fest tomorrow. I'll go to the weekend swap meet. And I'll eat a good 15-plus delicious meals. And more.

And I really will, Halfway. I don't care if I'm already you through my trip - because that means that I've done all these other great things already in exactly HALF my trip - therefore, I can do just as much (if not more). And I will. Because - although being you makes me think of the inevitable departure from paradise - I am one to use the you point as a simple check-up for me to see how I'm progressing.

And the answer is: just swimmingly.*

So there you have it, Halfway. I'm you through this vacation, and I'm just getting ready for more. So I thank you for keeping me in check and keeping my eyes on the prize. And I appreciate you for being who you are, Halfway (as opposed to your uncle The End or another similar relative).

So off I go - I only have four more days, and I shouldn't be wasting my time on the internet.

Full of the Most Delightful Korean Food,
CVT

*Speaking of swimming, I swam laps today, and it was REALLY hard. Swimming is REALLY hard. More later.

Dear Tropical Rain

(there will be no photo for this one, because I am on a public computer at the U of H campus, and they won't let me download anything)

Dear Tropical Rain,

So my friend, we are together at last. Off and on for the last two days, you have been coming down on me, Tropical Rain. And know what? I don't give a F---.

That's right. You are nothing at all like Portland Rain. Nothing at all. Because where Portland Rain makes me moody and grim and just plain pissed off, you feels kind of nice. You is a nice feel of freshness during a hot spell. You is just plain delightful.

I mean - how many rainbows ever appear in Portland? Probably around two, but I've never seen any of them, anyway. But I'll say two just to be polite. And they may be pretty and all, but anytime rain is combined with Portland (ESPECIALLY if there is sun), that's just a sad thing.

Here (in Hawaii)? It's wonderful. These five minute light showers that come and go - bringing a fresh "green" scent to everything around me, making constant rainbows, looking all dramatic over the mountains. I can't complain at all. There's no running for cover or feeling the need to hide indoors until it passes. Nope. There's just standing there with a slight grin on my face as I stare up into the you. Then - a few minutes later - I continue on my way to the beach or some other ridiculously sunny and beautiful spot. Not at all like Portland Rain.

And the very direct contrast (as it rained the days before I headed out here) makes the you even more delightful for me. Because I get up in the morning, put on my flip flops and shorts, and walk out the door (maybe I'll go get some breakfast). And then I see the slight gray tinge to the sky and the wet concrete.

Now, in my previous world (Portland), this would mean an immediate change of plans (and attire). I would have to throw on a jacket, some long pants, and DEFINITELY put some close-toes shoes on. That's what I'd have to do in PORTLAND.

Here? I just grin and keep walking. It's like an early-morning dew-shower. Wow - that sounds nice, doesn't it? An early-morning dew-shower. I think I could sell that concept.

And that's what I get here, as I walk around, looking for my breakfast. An early-morning dew-shower for me while the poor souls in Portland have to deal with a most-of-the-day crap-shower that entails a change of clothes and plans. That's right. I'm a little bit happy to be here.

So - quite obviously - I thank you, Tropical Rain. And I appreciate you. You makes me smile in the morning (or whenever else you happens), and I definitely appreciate the very stark contrast between you and my nemesis, Portland Rain. So thank you for being your own soul and not trying to be like any other kind of rain out there - because you, Tropical Rain, is definitely the best kind.

Off to Eat a Bagel and Buy Some U of H Gear,
CVT

*Loyal Reader - I'll let you know what colour I end up getting when next I post.

Dear Impulse Buy

Dear Impulse Buy,

I've spent a lot of money this last month or two. A LOT. I have been buying studio equipment, instruments, software, etc. I bought a plane ticket to Hawaii. I am going to be paying for lodging and a rental car IN Hawaii. I bought some new shoes. I've spent A LOT of money lately (or am just about to).

And the thing is that me spending A LOT of money is very out of character for me. Anybody who knows me well knows that I'm a relative cheap-ass. I don't buy a lot of things. I don't spend much money. I don't have some super-rich social life where I drop money in the name of a night out. I dress better now than I have in the past, but I hardly dress WELL - and I certainly don't spend a lot on clothes. I'm cheap. Spending money is usually a bit painful for me. I am constantly saving money for imaginary future happenings.

And yet - in spite of the money I've spent lately, and my tendency to be a cheap-ass - I can't seem to keep myself away from making another you, Impulse Buy. In recent weeks, it's been a lot of different things, but right now my you is a Casio LD-80 digital drum machine. How did this happen?

Yesterday, I saw Glotto. Had breakfast with her and some other friends, her boyfriend included. And that is what ended up getting me.

See - Dylan (Glotto's boyf) is the same guy who sold me my audio interface (the key piece that ended up leading to the need for an electric guitar). He let me try out his nice microphone, which convinced me to spend some money on a quality one of my own. He showed me the glories of Trade-Up Music - a store near his house that has a HUGE selection of musical toys (many of them used and at a discounted price). And he has supplemented my own recording excitement with his own passion for audio production. He is basically my home-studio mentor, and he loves to encourage me to get new gadgets and toys.

So when I saw him yesterday, I knew I was in trouble. I made sure to protect myself (and my wallet) by keeping my music-related conversation with him short and uninvolved. I was going to survive his company without spending more money.

And I pulled it off. I lent him my car to give Glotto a ride back to the airport, and I made my way out into the world to make the rest of my day happen. It worked out fine. I ate some food without making any yous (because I do that with food a lot, as well).

Then I had to go pick up my car. I called Dylan and let him know I was coming by, jumped on a bus, and headed to his house. I walked up to his porch and got my key and was about to head on my way. And then these fateful words came out of his mouth, "Want to go to Trade-Up?" I don't even know what I said, but a minute later I was walking up the street in the direction of that troublesome (but wonderful) store.

And that's what caused me to see my latest you, Impulse Buy: a Casio LD-80 digital drum machine. It was cheap. And it looked so appealing. See - I had been thinking about buying one of these things a long time ago (even before my home studio explosion). But the price never seemed to be worth it, and I was able to avoid it. So when I saw one at Trade-Up at a drastically marked-down price, I got itchy.

I kept wandering by, looking at it. I touched the pads. I messed with the power switch to turn it on. But - alas - the batteries were dead, so it wasn't working. Okay - I was just going to leave it be and move on with my life. And then Dylan walked up. He commented on the cheap price and picked it up, telling me I should check it out and buy it. He brought it to the repair-guy, and it all began.

Long story short, the repair guy promised to fix up the power supply (it was more than just dead batteries), put the machine on hold, and give me a call today. And he did all of that. My you is sitting, waiting for me, at Trade-Up. It's mine, if I want to go pick it up and pay for it.

But I'm resisting. Because I don't REALLY need it. I don't REALLY need a digital drum machine. I have a professional-quality drum machine on my computer now. It works fantastically. The Casio is a relative piece of junk in comparison. And yet.

And yet I am drawn to it. Because the key with the Casio is that I can actually use drumsticks on it and drum like a real kit - something I'm not so good at, at present. But if I were to purchase this machine and play with it, I may just end up getting relatively decent at drumming. And wouldn't that be nice? Not necessary, by any means - but it would be kind of nice.

And so I'm stuck, contemplating a you long after I should be contemplating it. It's a lot harder when I'm not in the store with it. This is NOT how a you is supposed to work, Impulse Buy. The process is not meant to be drawn out like this. But it has been, and there's nothing I can do.

And so I sit in my house, quietly contemplating my newest you - to pull the trigger, or no? These are the important questions that face us in these difficult times, and only I can answer that question for myself. Or Dylan. But he's not here right now, so it's just up to me.

So I shall contemplate more, my dear Impulse Buy. I shall spend an excessive amount of time thinking about a Casio LD-80 digital drum machine, simply because I saw one at a store yesterday and could not avoid the lure of a you, Impulse Buy. And that is a testament to your power. And for that - I respect and admire you. Hence, this letter. And that's all I have to say about that.

Imagining Improved Drum Skills,
CVT

Eye Appointment

So I had another training on Tuesday. Didn't get until today (Thursday) to do the song. This one took me about 3 hours. Enjoy.

http://download.yousendit.com/FACBEA3C467C9B3F


Eye Appointment

I had a training today – it seemed a little Hellish and I didn’t want to stay
But – I am a good employee

So I wanted to throw things, but I didn’t
No one can say I wasn’t focused for at least 30 minutes
Stocked up some good food on my plate
And I even raised my hand to participate
But after an hour and twenty, I almost vomited when she said this:
“What we just accomplished is we outlined what we need accomplished”
So as the two-hour marker came near
Everybody’s frustrations were aired
So much anger being vented that our captor relented
Giving us the opportunity to use our time effectively
So I delayed my escape – cuz meeting with my crew’s okay
But in my mind the whole time, I was singing:

I have an eye appointment
I have an eye appointment
I have an eye appointment

I just smiled,laughed, ditched the last hour and a half
Arrived early as could be, waiting patiently
Sitting in my lobby chair
Just glad to be there
Reading an outdated magazine, blowing time 'til I'm seen
And when I finally saw my doc
He left me happily shocked
Because as an absolute first
Time my eyes weren’t any worse
And that surprise good news made me cut loose and sing:

I have an eye appointment

It all went so smooth
It put me in a great mood
As I realized with a smile
That I was already finished while
Those poor saps at school
Still had half an hour to stew
And I was free to eat more food (and sing):

I have an eye appointment

Dear Spring Break

Dear Spring Break,

Hey man - how you doing? It's been a little while (a year, I guess) since we last spoke. In some ways it seems longer - others, faster. But a lot has happened since we last spent some time together.

The weird thing about it all, Spring Break, is that I haven't exactly missed you or anything. Which is kind of crazy, considering the line of work that I am in. All my co-workers are all jazzed-up and excited about being off for the next two weeks (that's right - we get TWO weeks at my school), while I'm happy to have you, but I haven't really been counting the days or anything. Which just goes to show how far I've come in a year.

And the question is: can it really all be attributed to my Light Therapy Lamp? Of course not. I strongly believe that has been a big difference, but there have been so many other changes since my last you that I can't really put it all on the Lamp. I think a huge part of it is just that I'm better at my job now. I really feel like I know what I'm doing now. I don't fret or stress the same way I did in the past. I'm not worried that things will go wrong or that I won't know what to do. I'm a veteran now.

And that kind of confidence and low-stress makes a HUGE difference in how everything else goes for me. It saves a ton of energy. It enables me to sleep more (and better). Stuff like that. So those two big things together have really made it so I don't NEED you in the same way that I did the last two years. And that's a good thing.

Because really, Spring Break - is it healthy to NEED you? Sure - it's great to WANT you, but is it REALLY good to NEED you? I think not. The problem with NEEDING you is that it makes it so much harder after you have passed. It also makes the week (or weeks) leading up to you harder, as well, with the build-up in anticipation. And that's not such a good thing.

WANTING you, on the other hand - or even just APPRECIATING you - is good. It's great. It's exciting. Because - don't get me wrong - I am most definitely excited for what my you is bringing me (Hawaii). That is an exciting thing. The thought of walking around in shorts and flip flops for a whole week without any worry at all. Maybe doing some ITF on the beach. Or in a warm park. Wherever.

Just walking around in warmth (at night as well as during the day). That's exciting. REALLY exciting. So much so that I can't really even begin to explain it. Maybe I'll write a song about it or something.

But the point is that I am excited about you. And I want you to happen (as you officially do as of about 2pm tomorrow). But I don't NEED you to happen, and that is something that makes your arrival all the sweeter (as a reference to my last two years of teaching).

And I really don't know if I have much else to say about that. Tomorrow, I start my you, and that's great. And I'm looking forward to being with you and enjoying myself in your splendid, sunny company. But I'm not dependent on you. And that's that.

Got New Flip Flops in the Mail Today (from Jay),
CVT

*ITF update: still going. Was messing around and randomly flexed a little bit ago, and I noticed my arm and was like "Holy Sh--!" I'm going to be rich, indeed. Indeed.

No Hiss

Got rid of that hissing sound (and re-did the vocals). Now this is what my quick demo of my new equipment SHOULD HAVE sounded like the first time.

http://download.yousendit.com/CDAA8DF716EF23A5

Enjoy this one (and know that a new one is in the works right after some Iso-Tensile-Flexion for the day).

Dear Iso-Tensile-Flexion System

Dear Iso-Tensile-Flexion System,

Apparently, being "back home" turns me into a freaking GENIUS. GENIUS, I say!!! Why do I say that? Well - there is the Four-Inch Fighting system that I developed yesterday morning with my brother . . . which was great. But then I developed a system to beat all systems: the you, Iso-Tensile-Flexion System.

Now I imagine that there are many folks out there who are confused by the specific, technical-sounding nomenclature of you. And that's understandable. It really is quite technical. So I shall explain what it all means (in the context of recent history).

Last night, I was eating dinner with my parents and Loyal Reader (some sea bass, chicken, rice, and spinach that I had cooked up - not remarkable, but fine) when different weight-lifting techniques come up. I'm not exactly sure HOW it came up, but it did (likely in the context of my Loyal Reader's current passion for jujitsu). He was saying how there was a new way of lifting weights that did not consist of doing many repetitions at a time, but rather one EXTREMELY slow rep. It would be like doing one bench press over the course of a minute - just ever-so-slowly lowering the bar at precise, controlled increments; then raising it again.

Apparently, this new technique is supposed to be a lot better than the common multi-rep version of weight-lifting because it doesn't damage the muscles, and it is more extended use in one go. Whatever. Sounded interesting and all - but everyone out there knows that I hate working out, and I am never going to go out of my way to lift a weight . . . But then genius struck.

It occurred to me that what my Loyal Reader was describing was just a glorified held flex. I asked myself (and the family) if it would be equally effective to use no weight at all and just flex for two minutes straight. After some round-table discussion, we determined that it would likely have similar results. In fact, my Loyal Reader pointed out, body builders say that it is the posing in competitions that is the hardest part of their workouts.

And this is how you were born, Iso-Tensile-Flexion System. This is how the you works: holding a specific flexed pose for two minutes every day. That's it. Period. Nothing more. No weights or other props involved. No cost. Very little time. Can be done ANYWHERE AT ALL. Anywhere. So simple, really. And it is.

But it is NOT easy. I repeat - it is NOT easy. I decided to test it out yesterday (and this morning) with my family watching, and it was ridiculous. I adopted a pose that involved a semi-squat and flexed arms (with toes curled, flexing every muscle I possibly could at one time) and tried to hold it for two minutes. At one minute I was shaking. At a minute and a half, sweat was pouring down, and I thought I was going to collapse. At two minutes, I relaxed and fell to the floor, feeling like I had just undergone a full workout.

And there you have it. The you. Simple. Affordable (in terms of time AND money). But NOT easy. I seriously think that this could be genius.

So my current mission for the next 30 days is to perfect my you. I will come up with two perfect poses (to be done on alternate days) that can compliment each other in terms of working all the major muscle groups in the body. I will do them for two minutes every day (with no other workout - which is the easiest part, because I would do no other workout, anyway). And when I a become ridiculously cut and buff, I am going to write a book, make an infomercial, and become crazy-rich. It will be like stealing - but not as fun (because it's tiring).

And once I get my you down, anybody will be able to do it. I'll have poses for the elderly, for people rehabilitating from injury, for athletes. Systems that last only one minute each. Four minutes. Whatever. Completely adjustable for anybody at all. F-ing BRILLIANT.

The most amazing part about all of this is that I'm kind of serious. I will actually try this for the next 30 days to see if it has any merit at all. And I will post regular updates on this site. By this time on April 7th, I will be the first living example of the effectiveness of the you, Iso-Tensile-Flexion System. A year from then - Hollywood will follow.

So thank you, Iso-Tensile-Flexion System, for being my path towards riches. When the you gets me super-crazy-rich, I'll buy you a drink.

Thinking About the FACIAL-Iso-Tensile-Flexion System as an Alternative to Plastic Surgery,
CVT

Dear Four-Inch Fighting

Dear Four-Inch Fighting,

I had some fun with you today, Four-Inch Fighting. Had a good laugh and creative session. Came up with my future career. All because of you and reverting to my childhood when I'm home (referring to my childhood home, of course).

So I'm "back home" (which is how I refer to my childhood home, as opposed to my CURRENT home of Portland - which is just "home") now. Came in Thursday night, hid out in the Bay Area for 24 hours, then surprised my dad with my mom and brother and 23 of his best work buddies. Threw him a big party celebrating his being crowned "The Best Man in the World at Pretty Much Anything That He Decided to Put Any Effort Into" (I'm not sure if that was the full title, but that's pretty much what it meant - which seems fitting to me). Then came back to "back home" and spent all of today there. With my nuclear family. And that's where you come in, Four-Inch Fighting.

See - pretty much every time I am "back home" (especially if my Loyal Reader is around, as well), I revert to my childhood ways. Fall back into my usual roles, behaviour, etc. And so it was when Loyal Reader and I ended up you, Four-Inch Fighting.

I'm not sure how it started, really. Much the same way as this kind of nonsense usually starts when we are both "back home" at the same time: we were passing each other in a confined area (I believe it was the doorway of the kitchen this time), and one of us decided that some punching was necessary. After some awkward maneuvering, one of us lined up a "Four-inch PUNCH." I honestly don't know which one of us lined the first one up, but soon we were taking turns Four-inch punching each other's arms.

For those unfamiliar with the Four-inch Punch, it goes like this: somebody (me, say) lines up their open hand perpendicular to the striking surface (in this case, my Loyal Reader's right shoulder), middle finger touching the center of the target. Then that person (me, still) closes their hand into a fist while forcing said fist into the target (my Loyal Reader's right shoulder) with as much force as they (me) can muster in such a short amount of distance. The aim is to do this in a real target's chest, thus stopping their heart. As this was just practice, it was just on shoulders.

So my Loyal Reader and I exchanged a few of these punches (while my mom watched in confusion, until we got her to try a couple). Then we wandered down the hall (because we often get bored and stop mid-fight). But as we entered our parents' bedroom (we wander aimlessly a lot), I felt the need to go for a Four-inch KICK. And that's where you FULLY came into play, Four-Inch Fighting.

We decided that we could create a new martial art called - of course - you. This would entail various attacks that began with a fully-extended appendage from a short distance away, ending with a vicious blow. An extended foot (touching the target) followed with a heel-blow from the allotted four inches away. A thumb extended sideways, then collapsed for a side-punch. And the best move: a nose touching the target, followed by a vicious head-butt.

This martial art form would be PERFECT for the new Mixed Martial Arts craze (Ultimate Fighting, for those that don't know) because these devastating blows could all occur in the close confines of a grappling situation. Therefore, somebody that followed our amazing system would have an advantage in any small-area fighting situation (in a closet or shower, for instance).

And it doesn't stop with just you. For with the expected rise in you experts, there would be an equally-pressing need for the vaunted "Six-Inch DEFENSE" in which the attackee could protect themselves from damage by always keeping their opponent out of range through our patented defense moves - such as an extended arm, or even just an extended FORE-arm.

Brilliant. I know. And none of this brilliance could ever come to fruition without the special blend of circumstances and collaboration that comes from myself and my Loyal Reader being "back home" at the same time. And that's a special thing, indeed. Indeed.

So thank you, Four-Inch Fighting, for the impending riches you shall bring me (and my Loyal Reader). I look forward to my first tiny-bar fight when I get to kick some ass from extremely close range. When a mugger tries to steal my wallet in a walk-in fridge or a coat closet. Because then you will come in most handy. And that will be awesome.

And there's really nothing more to say about that. So there.

Very Aware of My Loyal Reader's Presence Behind Me, Causing Me To Be Always Ready to Defend,
CVT

Software Issues

This is frustrating. I really did do this song all good in about 2 1/2 hours, and it sounded great. Then I ripped it into an mp3 for you all to enjoy, and this hissing sound popped up. I re-did the vocals to take care of it . . . and nothing. Now I still have the hiss, I'm up way past my bedtime, and my vocals aren't as good because I rushed them to try to get the problem fixed. It's something to do with the filter I did on the voice . . . so we'll have to see if I can fix it and get the new version out.

Until then, just imagine this without the hiss and some cleaner vocals . . . pretty frustrating.

Enjoy (somewhat):
http://download.yousendit.com/D7C0F3692D241598

Dear Putting It All Together

Dear Putting it All Together,

Right this moment, as I type these very words, I am finishing the last step before I can start you, Putting it All Together. What step is that? Well, let me tell you: it is installing my updated audio production software.

That's right - I actually went through and decided to update my software. Because GarageBand is good and all (great for a lot of purposes, really), but I was ready for the next level. I was ready to be able to maximize the sounds and equipment I have, while getting some true mastery over the beats I put down. And I just couldn't do that with GarageBand. So I needed to update. And I just did (it finished installing about 30 seconds before I wrote that).

So now it's time to start you. Now it's time to follow through on my bold claim to produce at least one passable song every week. There are no more excuses (because I bought an electric bass two days ago). All the pieces are here now (and I think I may really mean that now), so all I have left is to get to you.

Not that that's an easy thing. In fact - it's probably the hardest part. Now there are no excuses left for a crappy sound (or song). I can't say "If only I had -blank- I could REALLY make something nice." Nope. Now all I can say is, "If only I didn't suck at this, I could REALLY make something nice." It's no longer the equipment or lack of THINGS - now it comes down to talent and/or lack of "IT." And I don't want to even think about what would happen if I lacked "IT."

And I'm not talking about "IT" on the same level as my cooking "IT." Because I really do feel naturally talented in that field. For the little serious cooking I've done, I feel like I've kicked some natural a** when I've done it - with little extra effort or practice to get to that point. And with such a nice starting point, it only falls to reason that I would be INCREDIBLY good if I put in real time and effort.

So I'm not saying I have that kind of musical talent. In fact, of all the things that I like to do or think I have a talent for, I would say that I have the LEAST amount of natural musical talent. Which is funny - because that is the area from which I derive the most pleasure and spend the most time doing. But I was not blessed with a magical "IT" when it comes to music. However, because I enjoy it so much, I HAVE put a lot of TIME into it, and I am a firm believer that a person (me, in this case) can get quite good at anything at all if they are willing to put the effort and time into it. Since I AM willing to do that with music (and have been), I don't see why I shouldn't get relatively good at it. And that is the type of "IT" I am referring to here. The kind of talent that isn't exactly natural, but that comes from effort and practice.

And I don't want to find out that I don't even have that. Granted, I still haven't been doing this seriously for any particular length of time, so even not having any talent at all at this point wouldn't be the end of the world, but still . . . Nobody wants to feel like they suck at something they like doing - especially me.

And so I have been hesitant to finalize you, Putting it All Together. Because somewhere - deep down - I wanted to hold onto a few excuses. I wanted to be able to blame it on a crappy mic. Or say that I just didn't have the right instruments. Or that my software program just wasn't powerful enough to fix up the sound the right way. But they are gone now. I've finally stepped up - fully - to the next level, and now it's just between me and the world whether I really am capable of you.

But I think I am. I do. And I am excited to do so. In spite of the slight fear and hesitation, I have been eagerly anticipating this moment, as well. I have pictured in my head what it would look like when I finally started you - and now it's time to make that all a reality. And I have some things in mind to kick that off, as well, so it's exciting.

So exciting, in fact, that I don't particularly want to write any more in this letter because my software is installed and waiting for me to play. So I will. But I wanted to write a letter of appreciation for you, Putting it All Together, for the opportunity you are currently presenting to me. It's been a long time coming, and I'm glad that we finally get to be in the same room together. I can't wait to see how it all works out.

Nervous and Giddy,
CVT

Dear Sour Cream

Dear Sour Cream,

Before I really start into this letter, I need to tell you something, Sour Cream - I had a Hell of a time trying to find an even somewhat decent picture of you to attach to this letter. A Hell of a time. And I found that quite surprising, considering how good you usually look to me. Must be a camera-shy thing.

Anyway, in my mission to get back to my properly-acknowledging ways, I have realized that I do my best work when appreciating food-related items. There's something about the glory of food - and how much I enjoy it - that just brings out my best writing. Not to say that this particular letter will come out that way . . . but it just might.

So why are you on my mind today, Sour Cream? Well - because of lunch, of course. Today was a planning day at school (as we begin our last trimester), and our science teacher brought in fix'ins for some chicken soft tacos. And it was pretty fantastic, really. REAL roasted chicken. Some cooked beans. Cheese. Diced onions. Tomato salsa. Lettuce. Guacamole. And - the key - you, Sour Cream. I mean - it would have been some great food no matter what with a spread like that, but none of it could have been as wonderful as it ended up being with you.

I don't know where my love of you came from, really, but I just love having you on my food. These days, I practically can't eat any (Americanized) Mexican food without a healthy portion of you on top. And I mean a HEALTHY portion in the sense of an ass-load, as opposed to less you because of your fattiness. There's just something about your creamy almost-coldness, combined with the other flavours in a burrito or other such food-item . . . It's just perfect. I could very well just wrap a large portion of you in a corn tortilla and eat it with nothing else, and I would probably enjoy it. I really would.

But it doesn't just stop there - oh no. Your beauty and delightfulness is not constrained to (the American version of) Mexican food. There is another area of food-joy in which you rules: breakfast. Yup - breakfast. This year I've started getting a side of you to go with whatever savoury breakfast foods I happen to order at a restaurant, and it always works out well. I've never really been a big potato guy, but now - with a little bit of you - I find myself greedily putting down every bit of potato with my breakfast. I regularly order various versions of breakfast hash - simply because of the wonderful taste you provides. When you isn't available? I order something else, entirely.

And I imagine that there are so many more uses for you, Sour Cream. I imagine that you can probably go well with almost any savoury food out there. Right now I'm picturing flicking a spoonful of you onto a grilled steak. Mixing you into Thanksgiving stuffing. Putting you on toast. Trying to bring back SOME sort of appreciation for tomato-based soups by throwing you in to create a creaminess that such weak soups cannot provide on their own. I think it could be amazing.

And now that I think about it - it's not just savoury foods. I remember enjoying a delicious you coffee cake at a coffee shop near my house. In fact - they advertise their you coffee cake on a big sign out front. It may very well be you that keeps that particular coffee shop afloat. And when I was looking for pictures of you, I got all sorts of images of sugar-y sweets (as the first images, too). So it seems that your greatness is not confined solely to the salty world.

Which doesn't surprise me, of course. Because you are wonderful. And wonderful food-items such as yourself can't surprise me by being universally wonderful. Makes me think that I could become incredibly rich if I decided to open a restaurant that promised generous amounts of you in every dish. I can't be the only one who would be excited about that - can I? There's only one way to find out, I suppose.

I expect I know the answer to that rhetorical question, though - because you is that incredible. And for that, I thank you. I thank you for livening up so many bland after-school meals. For changing food-for-hunger's-sake into something to look forward to. I will always appreciate that. Always.

Thank you.

Just Now Wondering What's Up with Creme Fraiche,
CVT

*I proved myself wrong on this one. Hardly an inspired letter, even if it WAS about food. Maybe it's because I'm full right now.

Dear Cereal

Dear Cereal,

I just had some you for dinner, and it made me think. It made me think about how I've gotten away from my roots a little bit in recent weeks (and months) in my letters on this blog. It made me think how this crazy "doing creative things" kick has kind of overtaken my internet world and knocked a lot of perfectly legitimate and wonderful inanimate objects and concepts right off the "To Write To" list.

And that saddens me. Because there is so much appreciation to give, and so little time to do so, and I've been spending so much of it lately appreciating more or less the SAME THINGS over and over again. And that ain't right. Music is great. I very much enjoy it. But it's not everything. Not even close. What else is there? Well - for starters: there's you.

You, Cereal. That wonderful, crunchy-yet-splishy treat. A wonderful snack. A great way to start the day. Dinner for the lazy. All of it and more - that is what you is. And you comes in so many different forms. There are sweet and sugar-y yous, wholesome and healthy yous, passing-fad yous, kid yous, adult yous, hippie yous, nerd yous, cool yous, universal yous. Any type of you that can possibly be fathomed is out there, and they are all wonderful.

Why? Because you fulfills so many needs. The first need from a wonderful, snack-tastic food creation? Ease. You is easy to eat. Grab the box, pour some cereal into a bowl, add milk, et voila - a perfect bite to eat. For people that are looking for just a crunchy snack - take away the milk step. You is easy. EASY, I say. At any time of the day, if I need to eat something, but I just don't feel like putting any effort into it - I really need something RIGHT NOW - all I have to do is grab a box of you and pour it in the bowl. Within a minute, I am eating and taking care of my hunger.

The second need is variety. I've already mentioned all the different types of yous, but I shall say it again: there are pretty much every type of you fathomable, to satisfy any and all snack needs. Everything from a sugar-fix to a fad diet can be taken care of with a bowl of you, Cereal. Everything.

The third need? Customization. You is customizable to various tastes and habits. For example - say I am a man who wants some soggy you. All I have to do is pour a little extra milk in, smash the you down into said milk, and let it sit for an extra minute. BOOM!!! Soggy you. On the other hand, if I am into the CRUNCH of it all, then I just put in less milk or eat my you immediately with no wait. Either way - I am satisfied and good to go.

Is there a fourth need? OF COURSE. And that need is you-milk. Oh, joyous, wondrous you-milk. This might actually be the best part of you - the final act when enjoying a tasty bowl of you: lifting the bowl with two hands to my lips and drinking the delicious you-milk left over. I don't believe there is any other experience in all of the food world quite like drinking the leftover milk after eating a bowl of you. Nothing can be compared to it. Nothing can match it. It's like getting a free high-quality dessert every time I eat you, Cereal. And that perfect blend of you-flavours with the milk, combined with the satisfying feeling of lifting a bowl with two hands . . . Pure Heaven. I'm not even going to attempt a true explanation, because its awesomeness transcends words. For those who have not had the pleasure of the experience of drinking you-milk straight from the bowl . . . I weep.

Yup, there's a fifth need: self-supplied reading material. How many people out there want to have something to read while they are eating their breakfast? At least six or seven, for sure. And for those people, you provides a solution: the back of the you-box. The best you boxes have games and "fun facts" (a separate letter, most definitely) on them, but even the more boring boxes are worth a good ten-minute read. If it isn't information about healthy hearts or cholesterol, there's always the nutrition information - which, for some reason, is always so much more fascinating on a box of you than anywhere else.

Need six: use in baked goods. I actually don't really enjoy the various forms of you-bars out there (it all started with Rice Krispies treats), but some people do. So, for them, there's a sixth need that you takes care of.

And the seventh, final great need of a wonderful, snack-tastic food creation: Cookie Crisp. There's an f-ing you out there that consists ENTIRELY of little chocolate chip cookies poured into a bowl with milk. Holy f-ing shhhh!!!! That's amazing. And genius. A box-ful of tiny little cookies to pour into a bowl and eat with an f-ing SPOON!!!! I mean - how does that not make people instantly love America!?? That was a rhetorical question (because - of course - it DOES).

And there you have it - the seven needs of a wonderful, snack-tastic food creation. And all of them fulfilled by you, Cereal. I don't believe that there are any other snack-tastic foods out there that can even fulfill FIVE of the great needs (but if there are, I would like my reader(s) to chime in), and yet you fulfills SEVEN out of SEVEN. Nothing more to say about that, really.

And so I thank you, Cereal. I thank you for the times we've had from my youth all the way to the present. I thank you for the specific way in which my father (and myself, as well) pats the you down in the bowl before pouring the milk. I thank you for likely teaching me to read (or at least a few interesting facts about dinosaurs and meteorites - or was that Oatmeal?). I thank you for the many evenings of satisfied hunger when I thought I'd just have to go without dinner out of pure laziness. I thank you for simply being there for me, time and time again - everywhere I've been (with the exception of Tanzania). Thank you.

Thank you. And don't ever change a thing (in that vague sort of way that would keep you fulfilling the seven needs without preventing you from retaining your variety and customizability).

My Raisin Bran is Stale, but I Still Ate It,
CVT

*By the way, for those that haven't had the specific pleasure that is Special K Red Berries you, look at the attached photo and tell me that that doesn't seem absolutely scrumptious.