Dear Four-Inch Fighting

Dear Four-Inch Fighting,

I had some fun with you today, Four-Inch Fighting. Had a good laugh and creative session. Came up with my future career. All because of you and reverting to my childhood when I'm home (referring to my childhood home, of course).

So I'm "back home" (which is how I refer to my childhood home, as opposed to my CURRENT home of Portland - which is just "home") now. Came in Thursday night, hid out in the Bay Area for 24 hours, then surprised my dad with my mom and brother and 23 of his best work buddies. Threw him a big party celebrating his being crowned "The Best Man in the World at Pretty Much Anything That He Decided to Put Any Effort Into" (I'm not sure if that was the full title, but that's pretty much what it meant - which seems fitting to me). Then came back to "back home" and spent all of today there. With my nuclear family. And that's where you come in, Four-Inch Fighting.

See - pretty much every time I am "back home" (especially if my Loyal Reader is around, as well), I revert to my childhood ways. Fall back into my usual roles, behaviour, etc. And so it was when Loyal Reader and I ended up you, Four-Inch Fighting.

I'm not sure how it started, really. Much the same way as this kind of nonsense usually starts when we are both "back home" at the same time: we were passing each other in a confined area (I believe it was the doorway of the kitchen this time), and one of us decided that some punching was necessary. After some awkward maneuvering, one of us lined up a "Four-inch PUNCH." I honestly don't know which one of us lined the first one up, but soon we were taking turns Four-inch punching each other's arms.

For those unfamiliar with the Four-inch Punch, it goes like this: somebody (me, say) lines up their open hand perpendicular to the striking surface (in this case, my Loyal Reader's right shoulder), middle finger touching the center of the target. Then that person (me, still) closes their hand into a fist while forcing said fist into the target (my Loyal Reader's right shoulder) with as much force as they (me) can muster in such a short amount of distance. The aim is to do this in a real target's chest, thus stopping their heart. As this was just practice, it was just on shoulders.

So my Loyal Reader and I exchanged a few of these punches (while my mom watched in confusion, until we got her to try a couple). Then we wandered down the hall (because we often get bored and stop mid-fight). But as we entered our parents' bedroom (we wander aimlessly a lot), I felt the need to go for a Four-inch KICK. And that's where you FULLY came into play, Four-Inch Fighting.

We decided that we could create a new martial art called - of course - you. This would entail various attacks that began with a fully-extended appendage from a short distance away, ending with a vicious blow. An extended foot (touching the target) followed with a heel-blow from the allotted four inches away. A thumb extended sideways, then collapsed for a side-punch. And the best move: a nose touching the target, followed by a vicious head-butt.

This martial art form would be PERFECT for the new Mixed Martial Arts craze (Ultimate Fighting, for those that don't know) because these devastating blows could all occur in the close confines of a grappling situation. Therefore, somebody that followed our amazing system would have an advantage in any small-area fighting situation (in a closet or shower, for instance).

And it doesn't stop with just you. For with the expected rise in you experts, there would be an equally-pressing need for the vaunted "Six-Inch DEFENSE" in which the attackee could protect themselves from damage by always keeping their opponent out of range through our patented defense moves - such as an extended arm, or even just an extended FORE-arm.

Brilliant. I know. And none of this brilliance could ever come to fruition without the special blend of circumstances and collaboration that comes from myself and my Loyal Reader being "back home" at the same time. And that's a special thing, indeed. Indeed.

So thank you, Four-Inch Fighting, for the impending riches you shall bring me (and my Loyal Reader). I look forward to my first tiny-bar fight when I get to kick some ass from extremely close range. When a mugger tries to steal my wallet in a walk-in fridge or a coat closet. Because then you will come in most handy. And that will be awesome.

And there's really nothing more to say about that. So there.

Very Aware of My Loyal Reader's Presence Behind Me, Causing Me To Be Always Ready to Defend,
CVT