Dear Failed Experiment

Dear Failed Experiment,

My Somewhat Relevant Question of the Post was a you, Failed Experiment. It was a you. It was supposed to invite participation on a larger scale. It was supposed to bring on commentary and make me feel validated. And it worked for one post. And then it proved something even bigger:

This blog is a you.

I know, I know - I originally started this thing as a means to simply practice my writing on a regular basis. A reason to write - and write A LOT - so that somewhere along the line I would be a better writer. And I think I was relatively successful at that. During the time when I was really writing regularly, I think my writing improved - that I developed a "style" that worked for me. I had a good thing going, it was more or less entertaining, and it felt good to be keeping it up.

But that was then.

Because this blog started as practice, and practice alone. I made sure to specify that I wasn't trying to do anything else with this, and that it really just didn't matter if anybody else read it - because it was just for me and my practice. And I meant it. But then people started reading it (relatively) regularly. I had people (granted, only four of them, but still) keeping up on my writings (and, to some extent, my life) through this blog. Sometimes, they commented on my writings.

And that changed everything. Suddenly, this thing wasn't about me and my practice, but about keeping my (ridiculously small) readership happy. It became about trying to think of entertaining things to say - trying to be witty. It became about trying to write regularly so people had something to read and would stay interested, as opposed to for the sake of getting better at writing. And that's around the time this thing stopped being much fun for me. That's when I started needing external validation (in the form of comments).

I fought through it for a while, but my motivation just started slipping more and more every day. I tried to change things up - I was going to post a song every week - but that wasn't enough. I tried to do a Somewhat Relevant Question of the Post to get people to say something, but that was a you.

And so, too - it seems - is this blog. It wasn't at the beginning, but now it is. It has surpassed its usefulness (to me, at least). It's mostly a chore, these days. And a chore undertaken for the sake of four readers (no matter how awesome you four readers are) just isn't enough for me to take it very seriously, anymore.

So now what? I'm not sure. I may just stop writing, entirely, but I don't really know. Maybe I'll start up another (secret) blog that nobody at all knows about, so it can become all about the writing again. Or maybe I'll start doing a serious one that invites even complete strangers to want to enter into a dialogue.

I really don't know.

But I DO know that this blog has turned into a you, Failed Experiment, and there's no need to keep faking it, anymore. I started it over a year ago, and I think that's plenty. I got what I wanted from it, and that's that. I think the only thing left to do is to write an appreciation letter to this blog to close it out. So I think I'll do that in a couple days.

Perhaps I'll write a letter to my readership, as well.

Hell - maybe all these pre-quitting-my-blog appreciation letters will give me the steam to not quit, after all. Or maybe it will just give me a couple more things to write about before it's over.

Whatever.

Anyway - I don't thank you, Failed Experiment, but I do respect you. There's nothing wrong with a good you. Without yous, there would be no successful versions, and then there would be no progress. I have no problem with you, Failed Experiment, and I hope you can say the same.

Until Next Time,
CVT

Somewhat Relevant Question of the Post:
Peanut butter and pickles OR mango stew?